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Monday, May 14th, 2012
12:38 pm - Creepy
Having trouble deciding which is creepier;

I person who keeps a box full of poop in their home all the time?

Or a person who walks through the park on a daily basis carrying a little bag of poop?

Either way, owning a cat OR a dog makes you a pretty creepy person.

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Thursday, May 10th, 2012
11:52 pm - Follow-up
Got a call at 11pm from our local "Beat Officer" - the police officer who is in charge of our area. Crystal had called in earlier to report a potential problem with "a neighbor", nothing much more than that. So the Police Officer called us at 11 to say, in essence, "I know which neighbor you're talking about, he's unstable and drunk, I'm sitting right outside his house, I'm going to arrest him for not being able to get along with the rest of the world".

Living in a quiet community full of vigilant old folks certainly has it's privileges :)

The man who actually OWNS the house had apparently been contacted by concerned citizens and/or the Home Owner's Association, and his response boiled down to "The Police don't have any records of complaint for this guy, sounds like it's all just gossip and rumors".

And now it seems that there's MUCH more than that...

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8:00 pm - How to handle this?
We have a neighbor, two doors down, who is the "Villain" of our neighborhood. We have had minimal interaction with him beyond an... odd... conversation at Halloween and general complaints about his constantly putting up and/or taking down a fence around his property. Oh, and just about every weekend he plays his bad 90's "metal" on his stereo full blast till all hours of the morning.

According to neighbors, he is responsible for a recent batch of vandalism in the neighborhood including car keying, egging, slit tires, rocks tossed on to rooftops(?), sexual harassment, bullying the 12-year-old girl in the neighborhood, drug use, excessive drinking and dog poop being smeared all over various lights and light fixtures. Last weekend it came to a full boil with lots of neighbor-on-neighbor screaming, tire-squeeling, door-slamming and eventually two police cars in our cul-de-sac trying to straighten it all out.

We have mercifully been excluded from any of these shenannigans, whether they are being perpetrated by the "Villain" or by some random neighborhood kids. General consensus of all the other neighbors who HAVE been targeted by whoever it is credit our luck to the fact that we've only ever spoken with the guy *once*

Tonight, he came over to our house, drunk, and asked to speak with us both. We had a very... interesting... conversation.

First of all he let us know that he had the owner of the house on his cell phone and that he was listening in on our whole conversation. He then started receiving very loud text message notifications through the entire conversation, so that right there was the first indication that he's not quite in to telling The Truth.

SO the conversation went on. He just wanted us to know what's going on, how he thinks all the neighbors are against him because of how he looks (pudgy 30-something dude in shorts and a backwards baseball cap?) He then made sure that we knew that Jenny (the 12-year-old neighbor girl who is so sweet and has watched our pets for us every time we've gone on vacation) comes from an abusive, broken family and that's why she lives there with her Grandma. Seriously, he mentioned this IN FULL no less that *three times*.

He then moved on to trashing the folks who live about a block away who are "Section 8"... these are the same people who accuse this guy of sexual harassment. The story there is that he started hitting on the mom - A LOT - and she rejected him so he started calling her a slut and a whore and then made claims to anyone who would listen that she had come on to *him*, that's why he had to shout "Whore" at her(?)

So then he went on to stuff about how he's getting a lawyer, an I made a HUGE MISTAKE.

Like I said before, last weekend there was a HUGE screaming match between The Villain and The Guy Who Got Dog Crap On His Lights. When he screaming started, I ran out there with my camera and got about 40 seconds of footage before Crystal pulled me back in saying "DON'T GET INVOLVED!!!"

The Villain started talking about that day and how he has the whole thing recorded on his Security Camera, and how he had video of ME taking MY video and I might get called by his lawyer and...

"Wait!" I said. "You have a security camera that got video of me in my driveway filming you? THAT'S GREAT! You can just use the video of when the other neighbors tires got slashed to prove that you didn't do it and - "

"Nope, can't do that... it just got installed" he replied. "Yesterday".

"Yesterday?" I questioned, "Then how did you get video of me back on Sunday if it - "

Crystal stopped me, which is good... never try to argue with a drunk person who is being caught in a lie.

"And besides," he continued, "I can't use the video of anybody else's house because of Privacy".

"So, uhm... what kind of camera do you have?" I couldn't help myself from asking.

His eyebrows shot up as he said "High-tech. It's on a wireless. Three-sixty."

And that's when I had to check out of the conversation, for fear that he would just give me more opportunities to prove him a liar.

So what do we do?

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2012
9:20 am - Happy Birthday to ME!
Today I am 39. This is big news on two different levels.

LEVEL 1: It's the last year of my life where I can have a traditional, old-fashioned "Mid-Life Crisis". My Father had one in HIS 30's, both my Brothers had theirs in THEIR 30's... I need to get crackin' and find me a 19-year-old mistress who will sleep with me because of my bitchin' vintage Corvette! SIDE NOTE - Need to drain our savings account, checking account and Molly's college fund so I can buy a bitchin' vintage Corvette with which to attract a 19-year-old mistress, then find a place that sells vintage bitchin' Corvette's for around $48.

LEVEL 2: I am now officially "Pushing 40", which is not to be taken lightly. There's a bit of overlap in all other age categories of the 30's, but not for 39. From age 31 to 35 you are allowed to claim you are "Thirty-something". From 33 to 37 you may say that you are in your "Mid 30's". From 36 to 38 you may claim "Late 30's", and at 38 you *may* also choose to say you are "Pushing 40". But at 39, the only term you're allowed to use is "Pushing 40".

No need to argue this; it's SCIENCE. Can't argue SCIENCE.

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Sunday, May 6th, 2012
9:36 pm - Biblical Proportions
I'm what youd call a "Theist"; I believe that there is at least one God (if not more), and I don't think that any of the religions out there are the "right" one. They're like the three blind men trying to describe an elephant - the one at the ears thinks it must be a bird, the one at the legs thinks it must be a tree, the one at the trunk thinks it's a Male Prostitute (or something like that). They all have bits and pieces of the same thing but none of them are willing to accept that their view is only a part of it.

Despite this, I think that the Christian/Catholic Bible has a really good guide for World Peace in their Top Ten Commandments:

1> There aren't any other Gods out there. Buddha, Vishnu, Jesus, Larry The Cable Guy... they're all *me*. Don't sweat it.

2> Don't try to make God merchandise; that's just tacky.

3> Don't blame your petty crap on me, I won't stand for it.

4> Take a day off at least once a week. Seriously, like, I'm gonna make that a rule. DOn't burn yourself out, man!

5> Call your mom every once in a while, she gets lonely.

6> Oh, and don't kill anybody. That's not nice.

7> Don't sleep around. That's how diseases get spread!

8> Don't take other people's stuff. That's not nice.

9> And don't try to blame it on your neighbor. That's not nice.

10> And seriously, the stuff your neighbor has? Not NEARLY as cool as your stuff.

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Saturday, May 5th, 2012
10:27 am - The Plan
11:00am: Free Comic Book Day at The Comic Stop in Lynnwood.

11:30am - 1:20pm: Wait in line at the Alderwood AMC Lowes Theater for the 1:20pm regular format showing of The Avengers (no IMAX or 3-D for me, they both give me a headache) while Molly and Crystal go Birthday Shopping for me :)

1:20pm - 4:00pm: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!

4:00pm - 6:00pm: Goodwill Outlet in Everett

6:30pm - 10:00pm: Depends on how hungry we are...

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Friday, May 4th, 2012
10:12 am - The Mighty Thor In Sitcoms Part II
(Click here for Part 1)

‎"THE PHRASE THOU JUST UTTERED DOTH RING TRUE OF THE TYPE OF QUOTE ONE MIGHT EXPECT A FEMALE TO SAY UPON BEING BEDDED BY THE MIGHTY THOR!"

"FORGIVE ME, OFFICER CARL WINSLOW... DIDST THY ODINSON PERPETRATE YON TOMFOOLERY AND SHENANIGANS???"

"REJOICE, HAIL-FELLOW LARRY APPLETON! FOR THIS IS THE TIME FOR THE ASGARDIAN DANCE OF JOYOUS MERRIMENT!"

‎"THOU SHALT RESPECT THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER REGARDLESS OF THE ODINSON'S LOWLY STATION IN LIFE AS A SHOE SALESMAN, BUD AND KELLY!"

"ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE... YOU SHALL FEEL THE MIGHT AND HEFT OF THE HAMMER MJOLINOR UPON THY HEAD WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT THE IMPACT SHALL SEND THIS MORTAL COIL SOARING PAST THE BOND OF EARTH'S PULL, BEYOND THE HEAVENS AND NAY EVEN UNTO THE CELESTIAL BODY OF THE MOON ITSELF - SO SWEARS THE MIGHTY THOR!!!"

"PRAY TELL THE SUBJECT UPON WHICH THOU SPEAKEST, WILLIS?"

"THOU FEET DOTH SMELL SULFUROUS AS SURTUR'S REALM OF MUSPELHEIM, KIMMY GIBBLER!"

‎"THOU KNOWEST WHAT, KYLE-SON-OF-GERALD? SCREW THEE AND THINE, THE MIGHTY THOR SHALL RETURN TO ASGARD!"

"PREPARE TO PARTAKE IN THE FEAST THAT IS THE ODINSON'S SHORTS!"

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7:33 am - THORlarious!
A friend of mine posted this morning about how she watched an episode of a Sit-Com starring Thor. And so all morning I've been amusing myself by writing lines from classic sit-coms with Thor in them :)

‎"VERILY, CHRISSIE AND JANET... WHY DOST YON MISTER FURLEY PRESUME A FAE NATURE ABOUT THE ODINSON??? IT DOTH PERPLEX ME!"

‎"TIS TRUE! HELICOPTERS DOTH APPEAR UPON YON HORIZON BEARING THE BODIES OF THE FALLEN! YOUR COMPANY CLERK HAST BEEN GIFTED WITH SENSE BEYOND THAT OF MORTAL MEN!"

‎"SPEAK NOW, RED-HEADED WITCH, BEFORE THOR WIELDS HIS MIGHTY HAMMER AND PUMMELS YOU AND ETHEL IN TO THE NEXT WORLD! MUCH EXPLAINING WILL BE HEARD ON THIS DAY!"

‎"HEAR THE WORDS OF THE ODINSON NOW, FOUL TEMPTRESS, AND KNOW THEM TO BE TRUE... WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!"

‎"HE HAST FOILED OUR PLANS FOR FAR TOO LONG! NOW THE ONE KNOWN AS GILLIGAN SHALL FEEL THE FURY OF A TRUE ASGARDIAN!"

‎"THE PHRASE THOU JUST UTTERED DOTH RING TRUE OF THE TYPE OF QUOTE ONE MIGHT EXPECT A FEMALE TO SAY UPON BEING BEDDED BY THE MIGHTY THOR!"

"FORGIVE ME, OFFICER CARL WINSLOW... DIDST THY ODINSON PERPETRATE YON TOMFOOLERY AND SHENANIGANS???"

"REJOICE, HAIL-FELLOW LARRY APPLETON! FOR THIS IS THE TIME FOR THE ASGARDIAN DANCE OF JOYOUS MERRIMENT!"

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7:06 am - Ways I will celebrating May The Fourth (Star Wars Day)


Make-out with my sister.

Blow-up a Government building of some sort.

Tell all my illegitimate children that *I* am their FATHER before cutting off one of their hands.

Shouting "IT'S A TRAP!" at random people.

Go to a seedy bar and shoot SOMEBODY first.

Say "I've got a bad feeling about this" whenever there's an awkward pause in conversation.

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Thursday, May 3rd, 2012
8:25 pm - Favorite comic writers, reverse chronological order
2010's - Geoff Johns
2000's - Robert Kirkman
1990's - Brian Michael Bendis
1980's - Keith Giffen
1970's - E. Nelson Bridwell
1960's - Stan Lee
1950's - Carl Barks
1940's - Wil Eisener
1930's - Jerry Siegel

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Monday, April 30th, 2012
12:25 pm - 100 THINGS CHALLENGE (006 - "Robot")
Vs.



Our first contestant in this Robot Battle, coming from the far reaches of Google Image Search term "Robot"... The unsung "Hero Of The Rebellion"... C3PO's "Life Partner"... the only character to be in all 6 Star Wars movies who lived to tell about it... ARTOO-DEETOO!

And in THIS corner, hailing from the Yahoo Image Search for search term "Robot"... Pixar's boxy little hero... the automaton with a conservationist message... WALL-E!!!

THE SCENARIO: A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away... THE JAWAS finally bought a space freighter so they could expand their salvage operation on a Universal level! Eventually they stumble across the abandoned planet Earth which is like stumbling across a giant garage sale where everything is FREE, and they start harvesting junk by scooping up a square mile at a time and transporting it to their cargo hold for sorting (so much easier than roaming the Tattooine desert hoping to find stray Droids). In one of those giant scoops, they happen to scoop up the last fully functional WALL-E unit on the entire planet. They grab him up and stick him in the Droid Containment Cell where he meets... R2-D2.

Excited to see another fully functional height-challenged Droid, R2 and WALL-E immediately attempt to interface directly through a USB connection. WALL-E insists that R2 install iTunes to continue, R2 declines. After a few dozen Quicktime errors and Spyware alerts, R2 finds himself moving and thinking very slowly. He tries deleting the iTunes install file but access is denied because for some reason the iTunes installer doesn't think that R2 has Administrator Privileges. R2 is forced to reboot and when he does... BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.

WINNER: WALL-E

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8:12 am - Complaints Department
It has been pointed out to me here on LJ and elsewhere that Julie Andrews DID NOT provide the voice of the Fairy Godmother in any of the Shrek movies; she did the voice for Fionna's mother, The Queen.

TWO THINGS IN MY DEFENSE: The image that I grabbed from The Internet was described as "Julie Andrews Fairy Godmother Character From Shrek", and c'mon... a fight between Mary Poppins and The Queen Who Maried The Frog Prince would have been QUITE boring.

The battle shall remain as posted :)

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Sunday, April 29th, 2012
3:39 pm - My Meeting With Julie Andrews
I was prepared at Third Place Books to meet Julie Andrews and have her sign our the kids book she had just written.

I was ready to tell her Thank You and that after having seen her all through her career and my lifetime the thing that moves me the most is her voice over for the Disneyland Fireworks. I was ready to say that I can't make it through that fireworks display (in person or on recorded versions) without crying and saying "Curse you, Julie Andrews, for making a grown man cry!"

I would also be telling her about the long, sleepless night when Molly was an infant where we watched Mary Poppins over and over again, and how some of her first words were "POP!", "BERT!" and "BAAAAAAAANKS!" while watching that worn-out VHS tape.

I ran over what I was going to say to her over and over again in my head while I waited in line so I would know exactly what I was going to say when it came to our turn. Once the end of the line was in sight, I made sure to NOT try and catch a glimpse of her before it was my turn, for fear that I might pass out.

We were next in line; I pressed on my tummy just to make sure I didn't have any gas trapped in there - that's all I need is to fart in front of Mary Poppins, right? I was ready, I was psyched, I knew what I was going to say, I knew I wasn't going to pass gas -

-And then all I managed to say was "I... you... B-b-b-boooooook... siiiiiign? I..." As I froze, Julie Andrews had a very nice conversation with my daughter and signed our book, and she didn't even make fun of me :)

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12:09 pm - 100 THINGS CHALLENGE (005 - "Julie Andrews Character")
Today's search inspired by the fact that we are going to a book signing today where we get to meet Julie Andrews :) I tried many searches before going with this one, including "Julie Andrews" (4 pages of head shots), "Mary Poppins" (6 pages of just Mary Poppins, no other characters), "NOT Mary Poppins" (same results as "Mary Poppins) and "Julie" (you have no idea how many Julies there are on the Internet). And so I finally ended up with "Julie Andrews Character" and got...
Vs.


From Yahoo Images, we get MARY POPPINS, the magical turn-of-the-century Nanny who may very well be a TIMELORD (Her carpet bag is bigger on the inside just like a TARDIS, Bert is obviously her companion, ‎"I wear a hat with cherries and daisies now... Cherry-and-daisy-hats are *cooool*"... think about it).

And from Google we have THE FAIRY GODMOTHER, the ruthless corporate figurehead of an oppressive magic conglomerate in the land of Far Far Away who will crush ANYONE who gets in the way of her plans (Ogres, Donkeys and Cats being her only weak spot).

THIS ONE IS DIFFICULT!!!

THE SCENARIO: Mary Poppins answers a very sweetly rhyming want-ad for a "Nanny Needed" in the kingdom of Far Far Away, only to find that it was an elaborate trap set by Fairy Godmother LLC in an attempt to capture and harness the seemingly limitless power of Mary Poppins' magic. Mary of course simply walks right out of the trap making look as if it were the easiest thing ever, which infuriates the Fairy Godmother and inspires her to take on this project *personally*. Meanwhile, Mary Poppins - unwilling to put up with a single moment more of this foolishness - prepares to leave town on her umbrella when something catches her Poppins-sense; Shrek's children. Hilarity ensues as Mary Poppins tries to deal with a trio of Ogre Toddlers. When The Fairy Godmother comes to try and "Take Down" Mary Poppins, she is completely unprepared for the combines might of the entire Shrekverse (again) and is ultimately defeated by Mary Poppins and a gaggle of baby-ized Shrek characters. As Mary leaves town on her umbrella, she looks back and knows this has been a job well done, with everyone having learned valuable lessons about the true menaing of "Family".

WINNER: MARY POPPINS

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Friday, April 27th, 2012
9:16 am - 100 THINGS CHALLENGE (004 - "Doctor")
This battle is not AT ALL what I expected a "Doctor" battle to be...

Vs.

From the Google Image Search of the word "Doctor", the first non-generic image was of Doctor Mister T (aka "DR.MR.T"), because after having beat up Rocky and driving a DC Cab and running from the government for war crimes he didn't commit, Mr. T then went in to the Medical Profession. "AH NEED TEN SEE-SEE'S OF PIDDYDAFOO, STAT!!!"

And from Yahoo Images, just *barely* before a picture of David Tennant as Doctor Who, comes Amelia Pond holding an Amelia Pond Action Figure (aka "MetAmelia"). Just exactly how a companion beats out the actual doctor in a search result is beyond me, but who am I to argue with this? This is SCIENCE!

THE SCENARIO:
Dr.Mr.T: OH MAH GAH IDZ AMY PAHN! AH PIDDY DA FOO WHAT DON'T LOVE DOCTAH HOO! DOCTAH HOO WUZ MAH INSPUHRATION FO BECOMIN' A DOCTAH!

MetAmelia: Oh! Well! I... Uhm, first of all, thank you so much! I'm actually Karen Gillan, I play the *character* of Amy Pond on the BBC science-fiction show "Doctor Who". It's always nice to meet a fan!

Dr.Mr.T: AMELIA POND YOU MESSIN WIF MAH MIND! YOU SOME SORTA RIGELIAN SHAPE-SHIFTAH? IMMA PUMMEL YOU FO THE DOCTAH!

MetAmelia: Oh please don't! Here... I'll give you this Amy Pond action figure if you just don't hurt me. PLEASE don't hurt me...

Dr.Mr.T: (With fist raised like he's going to punch MetAmelia, serious look on his face, he suddenly untenses and a smile spreads across his face) HEH HEH HEH... AMELIA POND, YOU'S ALL RIGHT! (takes the action figure and admires it)

MetAmelia: Well okay then! So... should I just... y'know...

Dr.Mr.T: HUH? OH RIGHT... JUST GET YOSELF UP ON DAT TABLE AND PUT YO FEET IN THE STIRRUPS. I PITTY DA FOO WHAT DON'T GET A PAP SMEAR ONNA REGULAR BASIS!

(That's right... Dr.Mr.T OB/Gyn!)

WINNER: AMELIA POND for remembering to get her annual check-up :)

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Thursday, April 26th, 2012
12:17 pm - Molly Whuppie
If you have a daughter and are tired of "When You Wish Upon A Star" Princess stories that rely on a Prince to come and save the Princess, do yourself a favor and find one of the many versions of "Molly Whuppie" to read as a bedtime story. Molly Whuppie is a Princess Story in the same way that The Punisher is a Super Hero story.

It starts with Molly's older sisters trying to ditch her, but they can't because Molly is too clever for that.

Then she saves her sister's lives by tricking a giant in to decapitating his own daughters!

Then she gets her sisters married in royalty by stealing more and more daring items from the giant!

And then when she gets CAUGHT by the giant, she tricks him in to beating his wife to death!

And then she gets to marry the best Prince for herself and they live happily ever after :)

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8:51 am - 100 THINGS CHALLENGE (003 - "Nerd")
Vs.


I had absolutely no control over this, I swear. The first Yahoo Image that wasn't stereotype picture of a "Nerd" costume, clip art or a personal picture of somebody who thinks of them self as a "Nerd" was this picture of Poindexter, Lewis and Booger from the 1980's film REVENGE OF THE NERDS.

And then in a bit of Cosmic Justice, the first qualifying image from the Google Image Search today was of Ogre from the 1980's film REVENGE OF THE NERDS.

THE SCENARIO: Already been done. In the first Revenge of The Nerds movie, Ogre (and the rest of the Alpha-Betas) were the losers. But then in Revenge of The Nerds II: Nerds In Paradise, Ogre switched sides and became an honorary NERD. So who really won here? In the best-left-forgotten "Revenge Of The Nerds III: The Next Generation", Ogre is nowhere to be seen but LEWIS has turned his back on his Nerdy past and is ashamed of what he has been. One can only assume that Ogre changed his life for the better after his Nerd Conversion, becoming one of those super-beefy Nerds who goes over-the-top for Ren Faire and Comic Con every year and comes in a costume that blows everybody away.

WINNER: OGRE!!!

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7:37 am - Meme


Okay, so this is weird... I created a meme this morning based off of a friend's suggestion and I CAN NOT get it to show up on LJ. It shows up on Facebook, shows up on the page I created it at, but LJ WILL NOT display the image. Tried embedding it via URL, via Upload, via private server... NUTHIN'.

So if you want to see my brilliant meme, click here: http://qkme.me/3oze5u

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Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
12:10 pm - 100 THINGS CHALLENGE (002 - "Hero")
Vs.


From the search term "Hero" today, the number 1 image from Google is The Greatest American Hero! The titular character from the early 80's action show that lasted for three seasons featuring Willkiam Katt as high school teacher Ralph Hinkley and his adventures after a group of aliens gives him a red suit that imbues him superhuman abilities. Unfortunately, Ralph, who hates wearing the suit, immediately loses its instruction booklet, and thus has to learn how to use his powers by trial and error, often with comical results.

And from Yahoo, the number 1 image of a "Hero" that wasn't a generic bit of clip-art, a real-life fireman/policeman/doctor or weird Japanese fashion model is THE ENTIRE FRICKIN' MARVEL UNIVERSE! Way to bring your "A-Game", Yahoo!

THE SCENARIO: While trying to figure out just exactly how his Super Suit works, Ralph Hinkley accidentally triggers a "Reality Shift" which pops him out of his Reagan-era television reality and smack-dab in to the middle of an Avengers Membership Drive in Central Park - nearly EVERY MARVEL SUPER HERO is there! Any of the assembled heroes with some sort of heightened perception (psychic, spiritual, instinctual, etc) immediately know that SOMETHING is wrong with this new guy, and many choose to preemptively attack. This of course causes EVERYONE to jump in to the fray hoping that they can prove their worth as a future Avenger. Ralph is easily subdued, stripped of his super-powered suit and locked away in an asylum.

WINNER: THE ENTIRE FRICKIN' MARVEL UNIVERSE

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
11:49 am - To my friends who import their Tweets to LJ...
If I wanted to know what you're tweeting about over on Twitter, I'd follow you on Twitter. I follow you on Livejournal so I can get more than 140 characters out of you :(

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