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Friday, July 4th, 2008
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7:23 am - Spamdependence Day
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Every night before i go to bed I like to clear-out my Spam Folder specifically so I can see how many messages regarding Home Refinance, Penis Enlargement, National Lotteries and Hot Lathered Asian Teens i receive over night. Usually I can count on receiving about 150 to 200 messages that my Spam Filter catches in the course of a night, ready to be deleted.
But on this, our American independence Day, at approximately 7:18am, there were *exactly* 1,776 messages waiting to be deleted in my Spam Folder.
Remarkable on two different fronts; first of all, naturally, WOW NEARLY 2000 E-MAILS OVER NIGHT! Secondly, by coincidence, 1776 is the year we Youessasians declared our independence! Here, on INDEPENDENCE DAY!
GAWD BLESS AMERICA (AND PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH V14GR4)!!!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
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6:08 pm - Completely unrelated to that last post...
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You ever wipe and wipe and wipe and think you've gotten all the poo out, only to discover a few moments later that you've got some Black Ice on the ol' Hershey Highway?
Yeah, me neither.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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5:49 pm - My NEXT Bajillion-Dollar Idea
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SCENE:
TWO BUSINESS MEN IN WHITE SHIRTS AND TIES STAND OVER A DRAFTING TABLE OF SOME SORT LOOKING AT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
BUSINESS MAN 1: (TURNING TOWARDS BUSINESS MAN 2 WHILE SNIFFING THE AIR AND MAKING A SOUR FACE) "...*sniff sniiiiiiffff*... Jeepers H Cripes, Bill, did you forget to wipe your ass?"
CAMERA CLOSES ON BILL'S FACE WITH AWKWARD LOOK OF EMBARRASSMENT.
STANDARD INFOMERCIAL ANNOUNCER VOICE: "Uh-oh! Does THIS happen to YOU?"
ANNOUNCER CONTINUES AS MONTAGE OF PICTURES DEPICTS BILL SITTING ON THE CRAPPER, FRUSTRATED WHILE TRYING TO WIPE
"You've tried it all! Two-Ply, Quilted, Steel Wool... but it seems like no matter how much you wipe, you always walk away with that unclean feeling of ***MUDD BUTT***."
BILL: (THROWING TOILET PAPER TO THE GROUND AS HE ADDRESSES THE CAMERA) "There HAS to be a BETTER WAY!"
ANNOUNCER: "Well now there is!"
CHEESY CUT-AWAY SCENE TO SHOW BILL NOW HOLDING OUR PRODUCT IN HIS HANDS. NARRATION CONTINUES AS BILL DEMONSTRATES.
ANNOUNCER: "The New MUDDFLAPPER 3000 is clinically proven to reduce Mudd Butt and related Mudd Butt symptoms with 98% effectiveness. The Muddflapper 3000's revolutionary new copyright-pending mechanical apparatus works *for* you all day long, continually cleansing your butt with each and every step you take."
BILL: (WALKING BRISKLY) "Gee, it's like a host of Angels are licking my poop-chute with every step I take!"
CARTOON ANGELS FLY OUT OF BILL'S BUTT TO EMPHASIZE THE POINT.
SCENE REVERTS TO BILL AND BUSINESS MAN 1 CROWDED OVER THE SAME DRAFTING TABLE AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME...
BUSINESS MAN 1: "...*sniff sniiiiffff*... Gee, Bill, I can't smell your ass AND I'M GIVING YOU A GREAT BIG PROMOTION!"
CAMERA CLOSES ON BILL, WHO WINKS AT THE CAMERA AS SALES INFORMATION IS SPLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN.
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6:59 am - Have Tent, Will Travel
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I now have an official PLAN, BACK-UP PLAN *and* IF ALL ELSE FAILS PLAN for The Fourth Of July!
PLAN: Pack-up The Station Wagon tonight, drive to Anacortes and get us a camping spot at Washington park (aka "Sunset Beach"). They have something like 75 camp sites and they only reserve 35 of them per day, the rest are first-come-first-serve. I may need to enlist the aid of my sister for this one, have her get there at 1pm and just PARK in a spot for us.
This would put us right there in Anacortes for my own personal favorite Fourth Of July festivities! it's all so very small-town, and they have a decent fireworks display... but really, it would mostly be about the camping :) If we get a spot, anybody want to come with and split the cost of the site?
BACK-UP PLAN: The City Of Everett is putting on a pretty decent show this year as well. Free admission to The Children's Museum, live music and children's activities at a park... and fireworks. I'd rather go out of the city to see fireworks, but this sounds doable.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS PLAN: Go up to my parents place earlier than planned this weekend, celebrate The Fourth by avoiding any and all conversations re: Politics.
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| Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
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7:30 am - Swap Meet Hilarity
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Been meaning to post this ever since Saturday, but haven't had the time!
Father and son approached my table at The Swap Meet on Saturday. Father looked to be about 22, son looked to be no more than 4.
Son got that awe-struck wide-eyed look that all children get when they see my "Quarter Bin" full of cool toys. He then said, and i quote *directly* here...
"Son-of-a-bitch, Daddy, look at all the fuckin' Pokemon!"
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...And that's all you'll be hearing from me today. We're being temporarily evicted from 8am till 6pm so they can replace our bathtub before it falls through the floor in to the apartment below.
Bye!
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 27th, 2008
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4:05 pm - Lots of Drive-In Time
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If you need me, I'll be at The Drive-In for the next 24 hours or so.
Wall-E and Get Smart tonight, Swap Meet tomorrow morning till 4 or so in the afternoon.
See you all on The Other Side of 24!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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2:12 pm - Fecalopoly (or possible Poopchessi)
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I've been contemplating this for a LONG time, and I think I'm ready. I... i think I'm going to make a book (or at the very least a website) that turns bowel movements in to a fun game for the whole family!
I was inspired by the fact that I *always* take a look at my poop before I flush it. And c'mon, admit it... I'm not alone. EVERYBODY does it. And you also need to admit that sometimes... *sometimes* you really wish you could share it with somebody. Or at the very least get credit for a job well done!
Short side-track background on this for ya - in the past I have pooped the word "Joy" at Christmastime and farted the word "Hi!" in to my underwear skidmarks. I take great joy in sharing these stories with people.
Okay, back to my Game! I want it to be a simple thing where you are awarded points based on the different types of poop you might leave, and come up with delightfully whimsical names for each one. I currently have a great list going for my own reference:- :Turdtanic
- Log Jam
- Kitty Box
- Alphascatt
- "In The Land Of Dairy Queen"
- Puddin'
- A&W Rootbeer Factory
- Splatter-Ass (automatic disqualification)
- "A Mighty Wind"
- Straight-Shooter
- Buckshot
- Horse Shoe
- Ringer
- Halo
- Scatological Celebrity Look-Alikes
- Hand Of God
- Grenade
...AND MORE! I envision a rule book being kept by the crapper, along with a whiteboard scoresheet so the whole family can earn bragging rights. "Say, Marry, I noticed your scoreboard! A Turdtanic *and* Puddin' in one sitting? You must be awfully proud of your husband!"
The original game would of course spawn a DVD version of the game, an on-line version with a monthly subscription fee and, of course, the prime-Time "Who Wants To Take A Dump" game show hosted by Wilfred Brimley.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 26th, 2008
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2:45 pm - So much faith in our Health Care System
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We took Molly to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up to her Great Big Harbor View Medical Trauma Center Adventure of last week because the doctors THERE had told us to take her to a doctor if we noticed anything peculiar about her behavior in the next week or so.
She's been blinking/squinting A LOT since the fall. Like, closing her eyes TIGHT for a second three or four times in a row. Also, rubbing her head and tight-blinking after she wakes up in the morning and after her naps. And she hasn't got much of an appetite. So off to The Doctor we went!
This doctor was one we have not been to before; he was a small, young-looking man made to look even younger by the out-of-place goatee facial hair he had grown (or possibly applied that morning with a Magic Marker so the older kids would stop picking on him). He approached Molly with all the warmth of...
...Let's say that there's a 19-year-old Frat Boy who has gotten in to a singles bar and "Hooked-Up" with an attractive woman for the night. He goes home with her, does his Frat-Boy Lovin' thing, then attempts to gather his clothes and sneak out of the house before his "Date" wakes up and tries to make him breakfast with a side of Long-term Relationship. But as he's tip-toeing across the livingroom in his tighty-whitees and backwards baseball cap, he bumps in to the 6-year-old DAUGHTER of his "Date" sitting in front of her morning cartoons and eating Cheerio's from a Winnie the Pooh cereal bowl.
He approached Molly with all the warmth of that Frat-Boy confronting that 6-year-old girl. It was awkward to say the least... and this was a PEDIATRICIANS OFFICE!!!
He seemed very distracted, asked us the same questions 2 or three times each ("Does she seem to have developed any ticks since the fall? Mmm hmmm... and how about after the fall? Any ticks or abnormal behavior? i see... how about abnormal behavior?") and then sent us away with a "Well if she develops any abnormal behavior or ticks in the next week or so give us a call and we'll, uh, scan her or something just to make sure".
And with that he was gone, off to trade Pokemon cards with the rest of his little friends.
I think we need a second opinion.
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2:29 pm - So very bad at confrontation...
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My first public post in about two months. Those of you still on my Friends List will remember a post back then where I said...
I just defriended somebody off my Friends List. I've never done that before unless it was something like a dead journal or they had gone and defriended me first... it feels weird.
This guy, though... he's just... he makes me SO ANGRY! I like to fill my FL with people who are supportive and complimentary, and he's really not in either of those categories. He's very condescending in every reply he leaves. He's very fragile, so you have to word yourself around him very carefully for fear of him getting his nose all bent out of shape. No matter what it is I'm excited to post about, he's ready to shoot it down. I'm never sure if he MEANS to be this way or if it just comes naturally to him, but I just don't like him any more so he's GONE.
He sent me a personal e-mail that, no matter how i try to read it, comes off as "I know you're poor and I want to donate stuff to charity so I want you to come and get this stuff from me so you can sell it, but you have to spend that money on your FAMILY and not your geeky collections because you already have too much stuff that you waste your money on".
Kind of a "Okay Mr. Guy-By-The-Offramp-With-Cardboard-Sign... here's $5, but don't you go spending it on booze and drugs like I know you're going to do unless i tell you specifically not to!"
That pissed me off. I mean, REALLY pissed me off. But I decided to let it slide; he may have meant that I'm a charity case who wastes money in a *good* and *complimentary* way, right? So i decided against replying.
So yeah, I took The Cowards Way Out and hoped that he'd notice I had taken him off my FL so he would do the same and then I could go back to public posting, but it never happened. And so I've been hiding in the shadows of "Friends only" ever since, not wanting to confront him with my anger.
But today i realized that I'm really kind of past that now, and I just want my Journal to be public again. So instead of having a confrontation, i just banned him from my journal. He won't be able to comment here.
Not going to name names or anything because, well, I'm just done with it. If you try to reply to one of my posts and get a "You are not authorized" or something like that, then you'll know it was you. I really have no desire to "Talk about it", I'm not fishing for an apology or anything... I'm just *done*, okay?
There, enough Drama for today. Starting with the very next post, 98% more Hilarity and light-hearted tom-foolery!
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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10:27 am - Baby Boba no replacement for Jane
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Awful, terrible, no-good very bad news on the ECCC website this morning...
Another last-minute addition, DANIEL LOGAN has signed on at the last minute to appear at the Emerald City ComiCon. He will be replacing ADAM BALDWIN, who will be unable to appear due to a filming commitment.
Daniel is best known for his role as young Boba Fett from the Star Wars: Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones.
I know of a lot of people who were making HUGE PLANS for this convention based on getting to see Adam Baldwin. This is devastating! And to have this announcement just ONE WEEK before the show? Terrible... awful... and really, did they think that BABY BOBA FETT was really an apt replacement? Is that really an equal exchange? THEY'RE BREAKING THE FIRST RULE OF ALCHEMY!!!
Here is a short list of guests they could have had come that would have been an equal exchange, IMHO. Please feel free to respond with your own suggestions... but remember it should be somebody *equal to* Adam Baldwin, not *GREATER THAN*.
- Bruce Campbell
- Nathan Fillion
- Bill Mummy
- Michael Rosenbaum
- Neil Patrick Harris
- The cast of "The Big Bang Theory"
- Patrick Warburton
- A Professional Wrestler (pick one... they've all got some sci-fi/fantasy/action film in the works)
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7:09 am - UP WITH TIGHTNESS!!!
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6:34 am - Molly
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She's been awake since 4:30 this morning, begging for more Popsicles. Orange ones, to be exact.
We bought the giant Costco Box of 300 OtterPops about 6 years ago, and till this week we had eaten maybe 100 of them.
We are now down to our last 50. And they're going FAST!
Also, Molly is NOT impressed with the television programming that is scheduled before 6 in the morning. If somebody could get on that and change it for her, she'd greatly appreciate it. KTHXBAI.
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2008
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8:50 pm - Writer's Block: Smashed
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Well that's just SILLEE! It would be a CROWBAR, because you said that it's a crowbar! Right there! At the beginning of the question!
How is that supposed to help me with my Writers Block? Am... am I supposed to smash all my stuff with a crowbar?
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
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7:47 am - Nearly a year later and I've STILL got it!
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Hard to believe that it's almost been a YEAR since I lost my job with Comcast. Even harder to believe, though, is that i can STILL take inappropriate humor WAY TOO FAR.
The other day, I took my 2-year-old daughter to The Alderwood Mall for some breakfast and a rousing session of "Climb The Foam Structures In The Mall Playland".
We dined at "Ruby's Diner", where the adorably retro-waitress gave Molly a big red balloon with their corporate logo on it. Molly (as well as all children I'm sure) LOVES balloons! i tied it to the back belt-loop of her pants to make sure it didn't fly away and off we went to The Mall Playland.
Once there, I removed her shoes and the balloon so that she could run around freely and climb all over the Northwest-themed playground equipment (her favorite was Mount Rainier). So there I am on the sidelines, holding her shoes and a bit red balloon while she climbs.
I need to stop the narrative for just a moment because i realize that not everyone has met me in person so you don't know how intimidating this image should be. I'm a big fella (327-lbs, 5'11"). very hairy with a scraggly beard and wild, untamed messy/greasy hair, usually wearing a slightly stained Hoody sweat-shirt unzipped just enough to show off my T-shirt that is featuring either super hero or a cartoon character. Everything about me screams "Parents are urged to keep their children away from THIS MAN, and to contact local authorities if he comes within 500-feet of any schools or playgrounds".
So there I am, standing in the Playland with a Superman t-shirt, unwashed hair, scraggly beard and a balloon. Looking at all the children and smiling, trying my best to be non-threatening. And it WORKED! A little boy who was just barely old enough to be walking toddled up to me and smiled, reaching for the big red balloon.
"Well hey there buddy! You like Balloons? Sure! You want to see it? Look... Oh, you LOVE balloons!"
Cue The Concerned Mother. "Andrew... ANDREW! That's not your balloon, honey... c'mon, let's go play..."
"Oh, its okay, ma'm" I said in my most reassuring tone. "My daughter's way to busy scaling Mount Rainier to care if Andrew plays with the balloon for a little while"
And so The Concerned Mother relaxed a little bit. "Andrew, be careful... you don't want to pop the balloon!"
THIS IS WHERE I GOT TOO COMFORTABLE AND STARTED TO JOKE AROUND.
"That's right, Buddy..." I said to the child "...If it breaks then it stops being FUN and starts being a CHOKING HAZZARD!"
"Heh heh... heh..." says The Concerned Mother.
I recover quickly. "Of course, you needn't worry... Molly's favorite things on the WORLD are Balloons and I've gotten quite good at retrieving Balloon Shrapnel before it can close-off the throat"
"Heh heh... heh... yeah... Okay Andrew, let's go play! Let's leave the nice man and his balloon! Say Thank You for letting us play with the balloon!"
"You're welcome, little buddy... any time!"
Oh, but it gets worse.
A few minutes later, Andrew is back at my feet, begging for more Balloon Time.
"Well hi there little buddy! Ready for more Balloon Time, I see?"
The Concerned Mother, now feeling a little bit more at ease with me, decides to make a joke.
BIG MISTAKE.
The Concerned Mother jokes "Wow, you're like The Pied Piper of Hamelin with that balloon.. the kids must just flock to you and follow you EVERYWHERE!"
I responded "Oh yeah, and let me tell you these kids sell like HOTCAKES on Ebay! You wouldn't BELIEVE how much folks will pay for even an imperfect white kid!"
The Concerned Mother gave another one of her "Heh heh... heh" responses to me, but this one was a bit heartier. Like maybe she was realizing that I make wacky, flippant comments like that and mean no harm.
BUT THEN MY INAPPROPRIATE-ENGINE KICKED IN TO OVERDRIVE
I turned to her and looked at her, all emotion drained from my face, staring blankly in to her eyes, and i said as calmly as possible...
"No... *Seriously*... I steal children and I sell them"
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I don't know why i did it. In my head it was HILARIOUS. Heck, in my head it's STILL hilarious! My delivery and timing were PERFECT! I saw the opportunity to seriously mess with a housewife's mind, and i took it! The joke was for no one but myself, and i cherish it!
Although i *am* a bit concerned that they might put a security team on me next time I visit the mall.
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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9:03 am - Why So Simillar?
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8:52 am - Fighting The Plague
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![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) khristle has been fighting a nasty cold (again) for just over a week now. Molly has had it pretty severely for the past 4 days. I have no signs of illness... yet.
So what should I do?
Try to catch it and get it over with BEFORE The Emerald City Comic Con next weekend (May 10-11)?
...Or stock-up on Airborne, Cold-Eez, Zinc and Vitamin C trying to avoid the illness all together, potentially only postponing it till the weekend of The Big Convention?
So torn...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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12:27 pm - Pretty People DO NOT Come To Swap Meets
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I meant to mention this on Sunday, because I *am* a Judgmental Bastard. The biggest trend I noticed at The Swap Meet on Sunday was this; Pretty People DO NOT go to The Swap Meet.
The most attractive people you'll find at The Swap Meet are people who *were* pretty hot during their Sophomore year of High School before they got pregnant and gained some 40-lbs of undroppable Pregnancy Weight, yet they insist on wearing all their pre-preggers clothing to The Swap Meet. Or, for The ladies, there's plenty of guys who were "The Bad Boy" back in High School. Back in '94 he may have been the subject of all your fantasies, but now he's just a chubby greaseball in a dirty "Orange County Choppers" wife-beater tank top and a baseball cap.
There is also a corollary! The Swap Meet repels Pretty people equally as much as it attracts Trashy People!
A loverly couple came up to my spot at the Swap Meet and were browsing around. Descriptions: She looked to be maybe 22-years-old with a smoking-withered face that looked 47, wearing a "Baby Doll" t-shirt and hip-hugger jeans that made her look like she had a Shar-pei puppy grafted to her midsection; He was wearing an "FBI (Female Booby Inspector)" baseball cap, dirty "Low Rider Camaro" T-shirt and torn jeans, looked like he hadn't washed himself or his clothes in about 4 weeks. The cutest thing about this couple, though, was their matching dental work; she was missing her 4 top-front teeth, his bottom teeth where gapped and straying in every-which direction.
So they're looking at my stuff, two things in particular; The Box Of Random Computer Stuff (Ethernet cables, Coax, a broken joystick, an old Cable Modem and a 1.5 Megapixel Camera from about 8 years ago) and the Big Box of $1 T-Shirts that my Brother had given to me (all were either West Coast Choppers and/otr Snap-on Tools).
"Baby," says The Woman "Lookee here! It's wunndem DEEjtul Camruhs!"
(I am not making up the dialect for humorous purposes... they were actually speaking Slackjaw-ese!)
He stopped looking at the box full of shirts and looked over to his woman. "ShhhhhhIdunno baby..."
I piped in with "I'll let you have the WHOLE BOX for just $1!"
Her eyes lit up. They turned their backs to me so they could hold a conference in private, only part I was able to hear clearly was him, pleading "But Baby, you KNOW I needs me a new shirt! We've only got the $5 with us and if *you* buy that COM-puter stuff for a dollar and I buy the shirt for $1, that'll be..."
"..."
"...That'll be like THREE DOLLARS!"
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I kid you not. You CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP, FOLKS!!!
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2008
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1:49 pm - How it went
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I LOVE THE SWAP MEET! Bullet-points of what was cool:
- Went in with 23 unsorted boxes of random stuff. Came out with 6 boxes of sorted, organized stuff.
- Made about $140 once all was said and done.
- Sellers to either side of me were polar opposites. To my right, a nice older gentleman selling CD's, DVD's and Power Tools. He played lots of Frank Sinatra REALLY LOUD, and we danced/sand with every single cut off that disk. To my left, a family straight out of a Redneck version of The Grapes Of Wrath driving a 1978 Ford Half-Ton Pickup-Truck. Otr at least half of one... it was at least 60% rusted out and made the most horrific sounds/smells whenever it tried to move, just like me in the morning. The "Dad" wore a baseball cap with a stained wife-beater t-shirt and yelled at his "Family" as if they were Frat Brothers who owed him money. He was *mean*. He was selling a bunch of really dirty power tools.
- Bought a few vintage model kits for my collection, Star Trek and Land Of The Giants, from a really friendly seller just behind me. We constantly "had each others back" and were sending customers back and forth.
- My space was right next to The Food Booth; the smell of freshly grilling burgers and sausages filled my senses all day long. If you go, be sure to have The Swap Burger... it's INCREDIBLE!
- Pressty sure I'm going to do it again next weekend, weather permitting :)
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| Saturday, April 26th, 2008
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5:17 am - This is it!
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I'm up at 5! I'm getting showered and dressed! I'm loading up the truck! I'm selling crap at The Swap Meet!
This is just a test run. Mostly Garage Sale stuff. If things work out today I'll start getting more serious, giving myself more than 48-hours to prepare and whatnot. Maybe it could even develop in to a miniature Comic Shop type thing for the weekends... who knows? No comics this weekend, though... this week is all about STUFF.
Next weekend is FREE COMIC BOOK DAY across the Nation and even over in to other less-civilized parts of The World (Canada and England), but I won't need to be up till 10am for that :)
And then the weekend after that is EMERALD CITY COMIC CON!!! Conveniently scheudled for the weekend after my Birthday!!!
The weekends, they are full.
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| Friday, April 25th, 2008
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2:36 pm - Good Stuff
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So it look slike tomorrow (Saturday) we WILL be having a spot at the Puget park Drive-In Swap Meet in Everett! It only costs us $15 to see if this is gonna work for us or not, so why not go for it? If you want to some and see what it is that I'm selling, it'll cost you a buck to get in. But it looks like it's going to be a beautiful weekend, so why not?
Not entirely sure how "Nerdy" our selection is going to be... I'm trying to get khristle to give up some of Molly's old baby clothes, then everything else will be some of the gazillion boxes marked "Random unsorted" from our storage unit. All i can say is that EVERYTHING in those boxes was at one point being considered for putting in to a Comic Book Store or selling on Ebay. Expect to see lots of 70's and 80's toys and books, plus various other decorative stuff.
OOH! Two things that I KNOW are going, though, are about 50 Coffee Mugs (mostly Disney) and about as many 80's records! You know you need another vinyl copy of Duran Duran's "Rio", right?
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